8 years

It was a big duplex house - we had the downstairs.

Through the glass doors, that let in all of the heat, (or all of the cold) was the sunroom. It became my office - my classroom. Through that door, and to the left, was my desk. Covered with papers and books and highlighters, there was just enough room for my laptop and a mug of coffee.

In the fall of 2010, I logged on to the school’s website and started to finish my undergrad. During the winter, hunched over the heater, listening to a lecture, I would sit out in that room and dream of my career to come. During the summer, sweating without an A/C, I would write research papers mostly concerning children that I hoped I would have the chance to work with. 

We moved from that house. Then I finished undergrad and started grad school. Then we moved again. Then we became I. I took a break from classes. Then I went back at it. And then, a couple of evenings ago I got an email:

 I knew it was coming. May 19^th was a while ago. But still.

Almost 8 years after I went back to finish my undergrad, and almost 6 years after I started grad school, I’ve finished.

And it feels really good. It took way too long - a ridiculous amount of time. But, also just long enough.

I think back to the person I was in 2010 and I am glad that it took me so long. I wouldn’t have had much of a chance of being a good counselor if I hadn’t lived through both the difficulties and joys of those 8 years. So, I can only be grateful.

And excited for what’s next. 

Head down, heart up, hands out. Here we go!

Bark Mulch

I’m sitting at Starbucks. I was given a gift card and I’m enjoying an Italian roast. Just outside the window of the chair that I’m sitting in is a flower bed. In that flower bed is mulch – bark mulch.

I started thinking about the owner of the bark mulch place, and how excited he was to receive word that the St. Petersburg Starbucks wanted his mulch for all of their stores. And maybe when he got into the bark mulch business all of his friends and family thought that he was ridiculous. But, he stuck to his dream of having the best barkmulch in the bay area, and here he is, just seven short years later – the barkmulch king of St. Petersburg, Tampa, and maybe all of Florida. “That risotto you’re eating?” he says to his children, “That risotto is barkmulchrisotto.” And even though it’s a lemon spinach risotto, and not barkmulchrisotto, they understand that everything they have in life is due to their dad’s persistence that barkmulch was profitable. And it’s true.

And I so often forget that life isn’t about mulch, barkmulch or any other variety, but life is always about the mulch.

#SeeYouWhenISeeYou

I’m looking at my hotel room’s wall.

When you get the kind of deal that I did, the walls are usually devoid of art. These ones are. And an artless wall is just fine with me, because I’m 2 kilometers from the airport, and in less than 12 hours I’ll be flying out of Thailand – no time for hotel art.

 When I bought these tickets back in June of last year I added on 6 days at the end of my internship. The thought was that maybe I would want to travel a bit before leaving the country. Also, there was a chance I would be leaving Thailand and not planning a return trip.

I was wrong on both accounts. Oh well, this is why my fortune-telling gig right after college never took off. When last Friday came around I was ready to be home –where I will have a hard time breathing with Bernadette, Belle, and Phil’s fur clogging up my sinuses. And, I am planning on returning to Thailand…

You know those people who always say, “It changed my life!” in regards to everything (including my famous green beans (which are good, but not that good))? I’m going to borrow a line from them.

This time changed my life.

Being in Thailand was so good. Being at Cornerstone, with some of the best people ever, has been incredible. Counseling, nearly full-time, is difficult - and I love it. Working with cross-cultural workers in a counseling environment is emotionally draining – in the best way possible. But, most of all, counseling children? I have come alive.

I don’t know, this might sound pompous, naïve, or misguided, but I feel deep in my bones, that God wired me to be a counselor. And even deeper, I believe life has happened how it’s happened to equip me to sit with children. So, I can’t wait to get back to it.

If I had imagined my best life for myself, I couldn’t have imagined as fulfilling of a life as the one I believe I am entering into. I had dreams. Oh, I had dreams! But, they weren’t this good. And sometimes, I had no dreams at all - other than to survive the workday, the workweek, and the worklife. But in all of those, I couldn’t have imagined this.

So, thank you. Seriously. Thank you. If you’re reading this that means that in some way you were a part of all of it. So, to nearly everyone in my world: I’ll see you when I see you, and hopefully I see you soon.

Hazelnuts and Fat People

I was going to wait to show you this until I got this framed, but I'm too excited.

My friend, Erika, asked if I would like a painting done. And, immediately I knew what I wanted. Not only did Erika do an awesome job with the painting, she did an incredible job of taking my 3 separate ideas and combining them into one thought and painting. 

Here they are: 

Two Giant Fat People

God and I

have become like

two giant fat people

living on a tiny boat.

We keep bumping

into each other

and laughing  

                                         - Hafiz

The Seed Cracked Open

It used to be

that when I would wake in the morning

I could with confidence say, 

"What am 'I' going to do?"

That was before the seed

Cracked open

Now Hafiz is certain:

There are two of us housed

In this body,

Doing the shopping together in the market and 

tickling each other 

while fixing the evening's food.

Now when I awake

All the internal instruments play the same music.

"God, what love-mischief can 'We' do

for the world today?" 

                                                 - Hafiz


The Hazelnut
And in this he showed me a little thing, the quantity of a hazelnut, lying in the palm of my hand, as it seemed.And it was as round as any ball. I looked upon it with the eye of my understanding, and thought, 'What may this be?'
And it was answered generally thus, 'It is all that is made.' I marveled how it might last, for I thought it might suddenly have fallen to nothing for littleness. And I was answered in my understanding: It lasts and ever shall, for God loves it. And so have all things their beginning by the love of God.
In this little thing I saw three properties.
The first is that God made it.
The second that God loves it.
And the third, that God keeps it.
                                                                   - Julian of Norwich

So, in response to what I am learning of, about, with God, or what is on my heart, I would go ahead and show you this painting. 

Those Grand Glories

Those Grand Glories
Yes, of course I want them

Those Grand Glories

Admiration
Adulation
Affirmation

Or were you referring to the other
lesser known glories

Friend’s laughter
patio sitting
a simple, quiet life

Those would do too

I’m more and more convinced that there is no such thing as the right way to live a life. Sure, there are wrong ways, and there are better ways, and some dogmatically inclined folks might say that there is God’s way. But, I just can’t be sure that there is one perfect way.

Maybe I am saying this because I am at a crossroads. And maybe I’m trying to pad the possible fall – limit the potential damage – soften the proverbial blow that would smack me in the face.

Or maybe, after all this time, I'm actually getting there.

The North Face 100 - Thailand

5 Kilometers in - I was breathing hard, getting hot, and already behind where I wanted to be.

Ryan, Richard, and I had gotten to the Khao Yai area on Thursday afternoon after flying to Bangkok and driving the rental car 2 hours north. Thursday passed quietly, Friday did the same until we found our way to the race area to check-in, pick up our bibs, and listen to the race instructions.

Running is unique in that it’s the skinny people who are scarier. And there were a lot of skinny-scary dudes walking around. I was getting pretty intimidated, and Richard ‘helped’ calm my nerves by telling me, “Looks can be deceiving… you don’t look fast.” True enough.

I didn’t know what place I was in, but after only 30 minutes of a 100k race, that’s not very important. What’s more important, for me at least, is to follow my plan. So, I put my head down, sped up, and after several more kilometers was back where I wanted to be.

I don’t know how many miles Richard, Ryan, and I have run together since I got to Thailand, but it has to be several hundred. That being said, it was great to spend the weekend with them. They both ran races this weekend as well.

The miles started ticking off and I was feeling good. I caught up with a fellow runner at some point in here and we made conversation for a while. That turned out to be Kristian Morgan, the guy who ended up finishing 2^nd and was never far behind the rest of the day. These early miles - with the steep climbs, the sharp downhills, and everything else - these are the ones that you cherish, as the later miles don’t just tick off.

Running on the road I turn a sharp corner and am greeted by a line of young school children. In unison they wai (bowing with hands clasped as in prayer) and yell, “Sa-Wa-Dee-Kha!” “Hello!” I think I managed a translatable grunt back at them as I waved, but their smiling faces buoyed me for miles. Another time a young boy ran with me for 100 meters or so while he tried to get a selfie of him and I. Joy.

Several hours in I ran into a wall. It was a wall of folks running the 15 and 25km race. This wouldn’t have been a problem but it was climbing up a steep hill and then descending that same hill with no room on either side. I spent 10 minutes saying “Excuse me!” waiting for people to step aside, and then rushing to the next group of people. I had to do this with probably close to 100 people. The only thing that kept me from going crazy was knowing that everyone else in my race was in the same situation.

In one of these packs of people I passed the 1^st place 100k runner.  So, coming out of that section I found myself in first. And, as the new first place runner, I got a motorcycle companion that followed me around and pointed me through the rest of the course. I’d like to think that we became friends, but a lot of things from Saturday are fuzzy so that might have been in my head.

I took several minutes to enjoy being in the lead, but I could feel the footsteps of Quang Tran (the 3^rd place finisher) close behind. So, I put my head down and ran.

“What do you think about when you run that far?” I thought about my mom who I knew would be up until I finished (2:45am her time), so I ran as fast as I could so she could cheer and get to bed. I thought about cheesy lava pizza, finish line massages, and why on earth I run these races. But mostly, I was just trying to enjoy the day. Waving to kids, Thumbs-upping fellow runners (“Suu Suu!!!”), and trying to remember poems, (“Forget your voice, sing! Forget your feet, dance! Forget your life, live! Forget yourself and be!” - Kamand Kojouri).

It got hot. It got hard. It got to the point where I didn’t want to take another step. But I did.

As I’m sitting here thinking of all of the stories, all of the people, and all of those little moments that pass quicker than they come, I am forced to stop writing soon or I’ll go on and on. 

I spent nearly 40 miles in the lead. I felt like I was being hunted, and it was not a great feeling. I’ve always enjoyed laying back and waiting for opportunities, but Saturday, for several reasons, I felt like my best strategy was to push early and hang on. Finishing only 2 minutes ahead of second place, 10 minutes ahead of 3^rd place and only 35 minutes ahead of the first woman I think that was a good idea!

“Why (or how) do you run that far?” It used to be that I would run angry. Or, if not angry, sad. Life can sometimes be difficult. And I firmly believe what I have said about running being a chance to get a win in life. Running doesn’t solve a failing relationship, but it can displace some of the pain for a little while.  But, right now? Finishing up 2017 and having a good start on 2018? I can be nothing but grateful for my life. And so, when the race got hard, like they always do, this time I didn’t whip myself. This time I didn’t force myself to not quit like I had in other life endeavors. Instead, I ran happy, free, and with joy. And that made all the difference.

Saturday was a great race, but now I am excited to just run for fun for a while. I’m leading a “Couch to 5K” program for my friends at work, and that is great.

I got a free entry into The North Face’s 100k in Hong Kong next December, so maybe I won’t retire just yet. Maybe one more year of this… ; )

Nana

The first thing you should know about my Nana is that she isn't my real Nana.

My name is Kevin. I am 12 years old. I have one sister who is 6 years old. Her name is Melissa. We live in Point’s Hollow, Ohio with my mom, my dad, and now my Nana.

The second thing you should know about my Nana is that she has great endurance.

Our town is 20 miles from Springfield. My dad is a farmer and my mom runs the corner store. I am in the 5^th grade. I like football, fishing, and anything my friends are doing. I still remember the day my Nana showed up. It was almost lunchtime and I was sitting by the road counting the clouds that passed by my house. Summers in Point’s Hollow can be boring.

The third thing you should know about my Nana is that she doesn’t remember much.

The day Nana showed up was in the summer. It’s the wintertime now. I was sitting there, counting clouds, like I told you when I saw her on her bike. She’s an old lady and she rides normal speed for an old lady, which is pretty slow. She rode her bike past me and she had a look on her face like she wasn’t seeing anything that she was looking at. Nana went three pedals past me, and then stopped. She stood there for a long time looking around, so I ran up to her. I said, “Hi. Do you need some help?” She said, “Hi Zachary, I’m just going to the market.” I didn’t know what to say because there isn’t a market near my house, and my name is Kevin, not Zachary. I said, “Are you lost?” She said, “Lost? Good heavens, no! I’ve lived here my whole life! I’m not lost, I’m just looking for Mittens. Have you seen her?”

The fourth thing you should know about my Nana is that she’s a really good cook.

I ran and got my mom. My mom brought Nana into our house and got her a glass of iced tea. Old people love iced tea. Nana usually loves it but sometimes she hates it. That day she loved it. My mom asked her a bunch of questions, like “what’s your name?” “where do you live?” “what’s your family’s name?” Nana didn’t know the answer to most of the questions. When my dad got back from the fields we took Nana into Springfield. We went to the police station, but they said there wasn’t any missing person reports. We went to the hospital, the old people’s home, and even to the rotary club. But, no one was missing a little old lady. So, we brought Nana back home with us. Later that night she told my mom that she wanted to read a story to me and my sister. So, we climbed up into bed with Nana and she read us a story. Even though I’m 12, and too old for stories, I loved it. She’s the best reader ever.

The fifth thing you should know about my Nana is that she always carries butterscotch candy in her pockets.

My mom and dad traveled all around trying to find Nana’s family, but they couldn’t find her missing from anywhere. They even went all the way to Columbus, but no one was looking for Nana. I think that Nana probably got on her bike and rode all the way from St. Louis. Like I told you, she has really good endurance. The second day she was at our house we went for a walk. Nana walked so fast that we could barely keep up with her. My mom turned around and took Melissa home after a while, but Nana and I walked for a really long time. It was a lot of fun. She told me a bunch of stories about her husband and children. She kept changing the names, so I don’t know what was actually true, but I think her husband is dead and her kids are "rabble-rousers." Sometimes Nana lets me talk and talk for hours. My mom always says that my imagination belongs in the circus, and even though Nana doesn’t remember any of the stories I tell her, I’m pretty sure she loves hearing them.

The sixth thing you should know about my Nana is that she is missing a finger on her left hand and has fake teeth.

My dad said, “She isn’t a stray animal, we can’t “keep her!”” I think we spent almost a month looking for her family, but, in the end, we never could find them. I cried and cried when dad said that we were going to take her to the police station and let them deal with her. But mom said something about “leaving him for Billy Forrest” and he said that Nana could stay. Besides, even though Nana is really nice, I think my dad is a little afraid of her. I don’t know why. Anyways, I think that was the happiest day of my life. Nana sometimes does strange things like wears her clothes inside out. One time we woke up and she wasn’t in her room. We looked and looked and finally found her walking towards town. She sometimes scolds mom like mom is her own daughter. Sometimes she gets angry and says that she doesn’t know where she is. But, that’s only sometimes. Most of the time I can’t wait to get home from school to see her. Like yesterday, after I got home from school, we sat on the back porch and snapped peas for dinner. She likes to hear about my day at school, and she likes to tell me about all of her sisters and about when they were growing up.

The seventh thing you should know about my Nana is that she is my best friend.

My favorite part of the day is after Nana is done reading to us she looks at me and says, “Oh, my sweet little Zachary, good night!”  Except, a couple of days ago, she said, “Oh, my sweet little Kevin, good night!” I looked at her, really surprised, and she just winked at me. She doesn’t usually remember my name so that made me super happy. When Nana first started living with us mom said that Nana had “old-timer’s” disease. That’s why she doesn’t remember things too good. Mom also said that Nana would probably get worse. Nana hasn’t been eating. Mom said that Mrs. Bloom’s mother, who had old-timers too, stopped eating before she died. That made me really sad. Even though Nana isn’t my real Nana, and even though she’s only been living with us since the summer, I can’t really remember her not being around. So, I try my best to help her eat. Sometimes she’ll eat, and sometimes she won’t let me get the spoon close to her mouth. So, I can tell that she’s probably getting ready to die. Mom said that sometimes old people are just ready to die. That makes me really sad, but I just want Nana to be happy. The other reason I think Nana is getting ready to die is because she’s been telling stories about her husband and it sounds like she mostly liked him. Back before, when she first came, her stories weren’t as nice about him. So I think Nana knows she’s about to go see him up in heaven, and maybe she’s practicing liking him again. 

I don’t know what makes someone family, but, the last thing you should know about my Nana is that she is my real Nana.