Intention #1 - Part 2

To freely receive Grace and Love from God and to freely give more grace and love to others.

Before fully addressing part 2 of this intention I want to talk about shame. There are, in my estimation, two types of shame. The first is shame for what you’ve done – Feeling shame for stealing a cookie. The second type of shame is a global evaluation of yourself as a bad, weak, stupid, or otherwise negative sort of person – I am a bad person for stealing a cookie.

In my last post I said, “I’ve spent my life doing my best to need as little Grace and Love as possible.” Do you know why that is? Because to receive Grace and Love from God I have to admit that I have done something (stealing a cookie) shameful that needs addressed. That shouldn’t be a big deal. But, because I have lived my life under a cloud of global shame, when the wrong I have done (stealing a cookie) is addressed, it feels to me like God is saying that I am a bad person. And when I steal the cookie it only confirms to myself that I am a bad person.

That is why receiving Grace and Love from God (or anyone, really) is difficult.

And shame is also why it is hard for me to give grace and love to others.

I want people to think that I am nearly perfect. When someone sees through my sham, when they see my faults, it feels as though they have not only discovered that I am bad at whatever I did to disappoint them, but that I am also just bad in general. A bit dramatic. Trust me, I know. Now comes the really dramatic part. When that same person then does something to hurt my feelings, I can totally blow it out of portion and make them (in my head) into a bad person as well. And I will withhold my grace and love until they come asking for forgiveness – and admit, through that asking, that they are also a bad person.

That was a hard paragraph to write.

 That is why this is an intention and not a resolution. I’m working towards this idea of giving more grace and love to others. It’s a process.

Soooo. What am I doing to become someone who forgives those who have wronged me? What am I doing to become someone who loves those who I find hard to love?

I have to believe what God says about me. I have to believe that his Grace is the foot on shame’s neck and that his Love makes me his son. When I can wrap my head and my heart around those truths, how I view and think of myself will change. When my core identity is changed, when the global shame is removed, I will be free to give more love and grace to other people. In reality that looks like trying to be a kind and gracious car driver. It looks like releasing my judgmental attitudes towards other people. And mostly, it looks like my second intention for the year… Which I will write about next week. Thanks for following along.